Becoming the infinite me

I am so humbled and inspired to announce that fall 2019 marks the 10th anniversary of The Infinite U! I am filled with immense gratitude for the many families whose lives I’ve had the privilege to touch and who have deeply touched me in return. All the families who have welcomed me into their homes or have come to my office, trusted me with their children, and opened their hearts to greater possibility. All the young people who’ve attended our summer camps, grown their confidence, tried new things, and navigated the journey of making new friends. All the teens and tweens who have attended our social groups, discovered what it means to belong and to be connected to others in a community founded on mutual respect.

Little did I know 10 years ago when I named the seed of my vision “The Infinite U,” that it was setting in motion my own journey toward discovering the infinite me. I knew I was passionate about supporting sensitive, gentle, empathic young people to remain connected or to restore connection to the fullest expression of their whole selves. It was clear to me that these young people would help further the much needed healing and harmony on this planet. What I hadn’t quite realized though, is that I, too, would be restored to wholeness through this journey.

I spent so much of my life discounting or questioning my value as a human. In the face of my difference, I felt deeply flawed, broken, way too sensitive for this bizarre planet Earth. Ironically, even with all my education, training and experience, the one thing my work requires most from me is to be “me.” Real, gentle, sensitive, empathetic, and sometimes fierce.

Throughout the last decade of doing this work, I’ve come to accept and embrace my non-neurotypicalness. There’s just no denying it 😉 and I finally feel proud of how my brain and nervous system operate. I see now how feeling shame for being different for so long made it more difficult for me to accept other ways that I’m different, too. Like finding the courage to let go of my straight identity and accept that I’m queer. Like being willing to admit that the box “woman” feels way too small for me and accept that I’m non-binary. That opening up my gender identity finally gives me enough room to be all of me, that I am as much masculine as I am feminine, and that the name Nic is way more fitting than Nicole.

This process of becoming the infinite me has been the most sacred, terrifying, courageous, and gratifying experience all at once. It has required me to embrace my difference, rather than seek to make it-to make me- disappear. And now I not only accept this truth for my clients, but for me as well: what the world needs most is for us all to be our unique, individual, whole selves.

As we celebrate 10 years of The Infinite U, I encourage you to reflect on the ways that your-or your family’s neurodivergence has been an opportunity for you to accept more of your own individuality and uniqueness. Give yourself permission to honor yourself and them, and even share in a moment of connection about what you notice.

May we continue together on this journey of letting go and becoming our infinite selves, knowing that it is what the world needs most to heal and move forward.

From my heart to yours,

Nic

(they/them)

I am no different than you

Have you ever noticed that while we are kind, caring, and thoughtful to others, we often say really mean, critical, and punishing things to ourselves that we wouldn’t dare say to another? Others make a mistake, and we find patience and forgiveness. We make a mistake, and we doom ourselves to failure, punishment, even self-sacrifice. We trick ourselves into believing that we need to bastardize ourselves in order to grow, learn, be our best. We find clever ways of excluding ourselves and think we are being humble when we reject compliments and appreciation.

Today, I’m instigating a new paradigm. I’m upleveling the well known message “do to others as you would have them do to you,” and I’m suggesting this: “do to you as you do to others.”

It is time we honor our innate, immeasurable value, no matter what messages we may receive from society, culture, religious institutions, family of origin, schools, etc telling us otherwise.

I had a most profound healing experience recently where I came face to face with the intensity of my “mean voice.” It’s been on such auto-pilot for as long as I can remember that I have just accepted what it says as truth: “Nicole, you’re disgusting.” For nearly 30 years, this belief has been at the root of my core. From feeling “different” at a very early age, along with societal messages, culture, the pain and unmet needs of my parents and siblings, oppression related to gender and socioeconomic status, and a world who greatly misunderstands sensitivity, it didn’t take much for me to swallow and accept this cruelty-and to not even think twice about it.

In finding the courage and willingness to look this belief in the face, I gave myself permission to deeply feel the lifetime of pain that accompanied it, grieve it, and create space for something new. I discovered a most beautiful gift waiting for me underneath. I saw an image of the globe and of my heart: my heart was so big and so wide that it enveloped the whole planet and then some. This image brought me to my knees and filled my eyes with tears. It was one of the most profound and humbling experiences of my life.

In opening up to this most beautiful and sacred experience within myself, it made something else really clear to me: I am no different than you.

While there may be vast differences between us on the surface, the magnitude and capacity of your heart is more expansive than the globe, too. While the things we say or do from our places of pain and hardship may not always reflect this magnitude, I am absolutely certain of this truth. No matter how much pain or struggle may accompany your journey (be it parenting or otherwise), there is no doubt in my mind that you are loved and more powerful beyond measure. As parents, you’ve been entrusted to raise some of the wisest, most compassionate, sensitive, gentle, kind, caring, passionate, creative children on the planet. While they may also be some of the toughest children to raise in a world that often rejects difference and sensitivity, they are the teachers, healers, leaders, and change-makers the world most needs to help restore harmony to the globe. No one is more fit for that job than you.

I am beyond grateful to be walking the planet at the same time as you and your child(ren). My gift to you this holiday season, no matter what you celebrate, is the invitation to accept the profound and abundant magnitude of your heart-for yourself first, then for others. May you treat yourself with love, gentleness, and acceptance, knowing that you are loved beyond measure and deserving of infinite love and harmony. May you forgive yourself for the inherently fallible nature of being human. May you pause to honor your sensitivity, to trust in the power of this sensitivity to bring forth greater gentleness and harmony as a humanity and globe, and may you deeply accept that your unique expression of self is exactly what the world most needs.

Infinite blessings and gratitude,

Nicole

How changing my mindset has changed my life

For a lot of my life, I believed that my joy was at the whim of just about every circumstance, person, or situation outside of me. When it arrived, I both clung to it and resisted it. I desperately wanted it, but I was so stricken with fear, convinced it was only a matter of time before the “other shoe would drop.” Joy was fleeting, and when it left, it left behind a trail of disappointment and loss.

By my mid 20s, I can remember having a firm “talking to” with the Universe: “If having means it’s just gonna disappear or be taken away, then I don’t want anything from you!” I told the Universe to shove it. If no joy meant no pain, then sign me up. I was done living this way.

As time went on, I experienced emptiness, lack, and isolation as constant companions. I struggled with depression and anxiety. I also began to feel burdened by immense physical pain. In short, I was miserable. My bargain with the Universe wasn’t working out the way I had imagined. It certainly wasn’t helping me develop the ability to better navigate the day-to-day, in fact, it brought forth even more pain and suffering.

I thought I was being punished and that I deserved it. I was convinced there was something wrong with me. In my rigid thinking, I expected perfection from myself and others, to have all the answers figured out in advance, that I had one chance to “get it right.” When things didn’t go that way, I would find ample reasons to make myself (and others) wrong. I oscillated between self-loathing and raging at the Universe with more, blaming, attacking, and projecting.

It got to the point where I noticed myself laying in bed at night, wishing I would not wake up the next day. My thoughts scared me. It was one thing to think that weeks after my dad dropped dead several years earlier, but I didn’t have a good “excuse” this time. I knew things had to change, that my life depended on it. It had to go up from here. My stubbornness came to the rescue, and it summoned my will, my knowingness that I had a purpose in this life, my tenacity, and my faith. Hour by hour, day by day, I started taking responsibility for my life.

I had been so accustomed to either projecting blame outward or placing infinite blame on myself, that I couldn’t see that I was the one who needed to change. My mindset didn’t allow me to be alive and human, a perfectly fallible being in a world where the only constant is change.

I realized that I didn’t have all the answers. I got a therapist. I found a doctor who finally figured out the source of my excruciating pain: a small benign growth in my femur, and I got it removed. I put more structure in place by getting an office job with set hours and a dependable pay check, but that still allowed me to run my yoga business on the side. I even went to a bereavement group for the first time, all these years later. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone. I needed to accept that my dad died, I didn’t, no matter how dead I felt inside.

I gave myself permission to accept a new mindset. I chose a growth mindset that embraces my humanity and my divinity simultaneously. One that helps me to be more fully alive by being allowed to fail, to navigate change even when I don’t want to, to accept that grief is a natural part of life. One that said, yes, it is inevitable that my mom will die, too, and the best way to prepare myself is to make sure that I have a fulfilling life to turn to when she’s gone.

I got my life in order and then rode the momentum to take charge of it in a brand new way. I discovered a graduate program that sounded like it was made just for me, so I quit my job, sold my furniture, packed my car and drove from New Jersey to Colorado with a dear friend. I allowed my intuition, intellect, sensitivity, and trust to be my guiding stars. I didn’t need to have all the answers this time.

This new mindset has been a continual process of transformation over the past 8 years, sometimes smooth, sometimes turbulent. I now see both joy and pain as expressions of my aliveness. This aliveness inspires, brings hope, connects, allows pain to have its seat at the table, embraces wholeness and truth. I understand that I can’t control the world around me, and I don’t actually want to. I can control my thoughts, actions, and reactions though. I can choose joy, regardless of the circumstances. I can let it anchor me to my essence, so that no matter what life or death throws my way, I’ve got support.

As I sit here, reflecting on my journey, I’m in absolute awe of how my life has transformed. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the country, lead my own organization doing the work of my soul, am in a committed partnership with a man who cherishes me, have a community of treasured friends who truly accept me as I am, am healthy and vibrant, and perhaps most importantly, I love and accept me-and my journey-in a way that I never imagined possible.

Joy does not mean the absence of pain, but rather, the acceptance of it. I created the fulfilling life for myself that I set out to do several years ago, and my mom did die.

What I’ve learned through all of this is that the hardest of times are also the greatest opportunities for growth. It’s all a matter of mindset (hindsight helps, too :-). Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t have the depth of meaning and appreciation for life and the respect for death that I have. I would not have the capacity to metaphorically “hold” others’ hearts with such gentleness, tenderness, and empathy. I wouldn’t be so comfortable sitting with people in their most painful or darkest moments.

My joy and my pain are interrelated. Without pain, I wouldn’t know the value of joy, and without joy, I would be less resilient to cope with pain.

While it’s true that I still sometimes exchange “words” with the Universe about this whole “being human” thing, these days it sounds something more like this: “Universe, I surrender.”

 

 

The Courage To Be Different

think outside the box photo

At 5 years old, my family joined a swim club. I “decided” that I knew how to swim and insisted on taking the swim test, which meant I would have to swim all the way to the deep end. Despite my mom’s insistence that I didn’t know how to swim, I convinced her and the life guard to let me try. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I couldn’t do it. With the life guard’s help, I got out of the pool, but not without making a brazen declaration: “By the time the summer ends, not only will I pass the swim test, but I will also jump off the high diving board!” Despite the seeming outrageousness of my declaration, before Labor Day that season, wearing my very official “deep end certified bracelet,” I climbed the stairs of the diving board, looked out at the lifeguards, waved to my mom, and leapt into the air, falling 10 feet before splash landing.

That same bold, brave, and stubborn kid also grew up believing that she was “too serious and too sensitive,” that there was something inherently wrong with her that needed to be “fixed.”

I was different from my peers and often acutely aware of it. My emotions were often “big emotions.” I couldn’t understand why kids were so mean to one another. I couldn’t figure out why drugs, sex, and alcohol were so cool. Why didn’t more people recycle? Why was power so popular when it seemed anything but kind. Why were honesty and integrity so hard to come by?

I can remember many instances when my passions and emotions differed from my peers. My entrepreneurial spirit and quest to save the earth in elementary school. Finding immense joy through community service with the elderly in high school and my passion for natural medicine and spirituality. Protesting Hummers and advocating for a woman’s right to choose in college. As an adult, I can appreciate the ways that I was kind, deep, courageous, purpose-driven, and unique. But back then, feelings of loneliness, depression, brokenness, and anxiety got in the way, and my connection to my innate value was barely recognizable.

When I stumbled upon my first opportunity to teach yoga to families with autistic kids in 2009, that brave, bold kid burst forth in me in a brand new way. She leapt at the opportunity, having no idea that she was diving into a life-changing moment. The parts of myself that I had long ago deemed “broken and inexcusable” transformed into my greatest assets. I still remember a stressed out parent who dragged her screaming son toward the door, so accustomed to not being accepted in public spaces. I walked over and showered them with love and acceptance without thinking twice. Pretty soon, that same kid was helping me teach the class, showing great focus and enthusiasm. The Infinite U was born a few months later, and my sensitivity, kindness, gentleness, depth, courage, and stubborness have led the way.

Whether in my private sessions with kids, teens, or families, or as I lead groups for adolescents, I am intent on highlighting the gifts within every individual’s uniqueness. Knowing the pain of losing sight of my innate value and misunderstanding my difference, I want more for others. I had no idea when I was 5, 12, 19, or even 25, that it would become my life’s mission to support other young people-especially those who are highly sensitive, creative in their thinking, and often easily overwhelmed-to stay in close connection with their uniqueness and inherent value. I believe it is in their unique ways of thinking and being that they will make their greatest contributions to this planet. With 99% of the population considered neurotypical, and our society’s current state of rampant violence, power struggles, over-stimulation, lying, and pressure to “fit in”, I believe that neurodivergence offers the creative solutions, kindness, and honesty that we need to create a more peaceful, accepting, and safe world for all beings. We don’t need more of the same.  We need people courageous enough to be different-to be their unique and amazing selves-to teach us the way forward.